Last few weeks have been hectic. I was running between dance rehearsals and work, interacting with several people and the dance performance on Saturday. My mind is still too full of feelings and thoughts. Usually Sunday is a good time to address each of them and know them. Some feelings I recognize easily, some take time to become friendly, some are complete strangers and very difficult to get acquainted to. So all of them are right now running around creating a chaos,trying all tricks to seek my attention like naughty kids.
Finally, I managed to sit and talk to them.
Learning kathak has been an amazing journey, but performing on stage was a big deal for me because it meant I was trying to get over my “fear of being seen”. I danced and enjoyed. But then I wanted the opinion of the most important people in my life-my husband was visibly very proud of me. My daughter however is a blunt critic, sometimes brutally so. She had lots of comments on what I was doing wrong. Since I was almost crying by the end of it, she tried to pacify by saying that many people liked it, she also liked it a little bit. The other person with an honest opinion, my guruji, however put it differently. She complemented on dancing beautifully, reminding me the enormity of distance I have covered; bringing back my focus that its the learning that matters and not the final packaged product. I, however, felt restless the whole day.
So what is this feeling which was gripping me- a “fear of being judged”. The same feeling I had when I first started publishing my personal memoirs as a blog. But over the months, it felt good to be appreciated by friends whom I revere. Its not about popularity, its about connecting…
Similarly with dancing, the decision to step on stage was with a knowledge that I am dancing alongside amazing dancers, who have been practicing for years. What matters is a sincere effort to learn and then dance like no one is watching.